What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is defined as any incident, or pattern of incidents, of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between people who are or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. 

Whilst women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse (intimate partner violence, sexual assault and stalking) and in particular sexual violence, we acknowledge it affects men too.

Sometimes it isn’t clear if what is happening at home is domestic abuse. But, if someone living in your home uses bullying, threats or violence, it can make you feel unsafe and could be a sign of domestic abuse. 

There are lots of myths around domestic abuse and its causes. Victim-blaming is common and victims are frequently discouraged from coming forward for fear of being blamed for the abuse. 

• Over 2 victims per week are killed by current or ex-partners through Domestic Abuse in the UK alone
• 1 in 4 women, 1 in 6 men in the UK will experience domestic violence in their lifetime and 1 in 7 children will witness domestic abuse
• On average, a person will be assaulted 35 times before they call the police

We understand that leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult and that many people need support along the way.

Here are common signs of a physically or emotionally abusive relationship:

• Kicking, punching, hitting
• Threatening to kill someone or hurt them
• Controlling behaviour, like telling someone where they can go and what they can wear
• Coercive behaviour - for example, humiliation or intimidation 
• Controlling someone’s finances by withholding money or stopping someone going to work
• Making someone feel guilty, criticising them or making them feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves
• Reading emails, text messages or letters
• Making someone do something sexual when they don’t want to.

Domestic abuse can happen inside and outside of the home, it can happen over the phone or online using the internet or social media. It can happen in any relationship and in any family and can continue once a relationship is over.

• Is your partner excessively jealous and possessive?
• Are they charming one minute and abusive the next, or have sudden changes of mood?
• Are they stopping you from seeing your family and friends? Do you feel isolated?
• Do they constantly criticise you and put you down sometimes in public but mostly at home?
• Do they embarrass you, often in front of family and friends, so that you are seen in a bad light?
• Does your partner play mind games and make you unsure of your own judgment?
• Do they tell you you’re useless and couldn’t cope without therm?
• Do they control your money, access to money or the ability to earn money?
• Do they tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, what to think?
• Does they pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to?
• Are you starting to walk on eggshells to avoid making them angry?
• Do they monitor your movements?  
• Do they check up on you via social media or check your text messages?
• Does they use anger and intimidation to frighten you and make you comply with their demands or threaten to kill themselves?
• Has your partner ever threatened you, or intimidated you by using aggressive language or actions?
• Are you forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner’s reaction?
• Are you blamed for their behaviour e.g. they say you were “asking for it” or deserved the abuse?

 If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be experiencing domestic violence. Domestic Abuse is a crime and it is never your fault. 

You don’t have to deal with this alone. 

One of the questions we hear time and time again is “Why don't they just leave?”

We need to stop blaming survivors for staying and start supporting them to enable them to leave. Victims often attempt to leave several times before making the final break. 

Leaving an abusive partner can be very dangerous. It is at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner. that victims are at the greatest risk of homicide.

The truth is that there are many practical and psychological barriers to ending a relationship with a violent partner. 

Here are just some:

• Safety: they may be fearful of what the abuser will do to  them and the children if they leave or attempt to leave
• Lack of self-confidence: they may believe that it is their fault and that they deserve the abuse, and may fear they would never find anyone else if they left
• Denial: they convince themselves that “it’s not that bad”
• Shame: they are embarrassed about people finding out
• Guilt: the abuser makes them believe that they are to blame for the abusers actions
• Financial dependence: the abused may not be able to support themselves and their children independently.
• Loyalty: they may be loyal to the abuser regardless of their actions
• Hope: they believe that things will improve with time. They believe they can make them change
• Lack of support: they don't know where or who to turn to
• Pressure: family and friends pressurise them to stay and ‘make it work’
• Religious/community beliefs: they are under pressure not to break up the family
• Love: despite the abuse, they still loves them
• Confusion: the abuser switches between charm and rage; the victim thinks, ‘They aren't always like this..’
• Intimidation: the abuser threatens to take the children or pets away
• Gender roles: she might normalise his behaviour because he’s a man – ‘that’s how men are’. She may believe it’s the woman’s role to put the needs of others first
• Immigration: if the victim has insecure immigration status, they may fear being deported

By understanding the many barriers that stand in the way of families leaving an abusive relationship we can begin to support and empower them to make the best decision while holding abusers solely accountable for their behaviour. 

If you are planning to leave an abusive partner, it is important that you plan your departure safely. 

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline can help you with your own safety plan.  

They will be there for you 24/7, just call 0808 2000 247