What is Domestic Abuse?

Here are common signs of a physically or emotionally abusive relationship:

• Kicking, punching, hitting
• Threatening to kill someone or hurt them
• Controlling behaviour, like telling someone where they can go and what they can wear
• Coercive behaviour - for example, humiliation or intimidation 
• Controlling someone’s finances by withholding money or stopping someone going to work
• Making someone feel guilty, criticising them or making them feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves
• Reading emails, text messages or letters
• Making someone do something sexual when they don’t want to.

Domestic abuse can happen inside and outside of the home, it can happen over the phone or online using the internet or social media. It can happen in any relationship and in any family and can continue once a relationship is over.

One of the questions we hear time and time again is “Why don't they just leave?”

We need to stop blaming survivors for staying and start supporting them to enable them to leave. Victims often attempt to leave several times before making the final break. 

Leaving an abusive partner can be very dangerous. It is at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner. that victims are at the greatest risk of homicide.

The truth is that there are many practical and psychological barriers to ending a relationship with a violent partner. 

Here are just some:

• Safety: they may be fearful of what the abuser will do to  them and the children if they leave or attempt to leave
• Lack of self-confidence: they may believe that it is their fault and that they deserve the abuse, and may fear they would never find anyone else if they left
• Denial: they convince themselves that “it’s not that bad”
• Shame: they are embarrassed about people finding out
• Guilt: the abuser makes them believe that they are to blame for the abusers actions
• Financial dependence: the abused may not be able to support themselves and their children independently.
• Loyalty: they may be loyal to the abuser regardless of their actions
• Hope: they believe that things will improve with time. They believe they can make them change
• Lack of support: they don't know where or who to turn to
• Pressure: family and friends pressurise them to stay and ‘make it work’
• Religious/community beliefs: they are under pressure not to break up the family
• Love: despite the abuse, they still loves them
• Confusion: the abuser switches between charm and rage; the victim thinks, ‘They aren't always like this..’
• Intimidation: the abuser threatens to take the children or pets away
• Gender roles: she might normalise his behaviour because he’s a man – ‘that’s how men are’. She may believe it’s the woman’s role to put the needs of others first
• Immigration: if the victim has insecure immigration status, they may fear being deported

By understanding the many barriers that stand in the way of families leaving an abusive relationship we can begin to support and empower them to make the best decision while holding abusers solely accountable for their behaviour. 

If you are planning to leave an abusive partner, it is important that you plan your departure safely. 

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline can help you with your own safety plan.  

They will be there for you 24/7, just call 0808 2000 247